And Then There Were Four

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You may be able to make out a faint human form.

I had this post all ready to go. I was about to hit publish but the words didn’t sit right. It didn’t feel like the most honest way of announcing this major news.

So I’m starting again.

In February after a few weeks of suspicion I found out I was pregnant. This was not planned. But I was still happy as I’d been thinking that maybe I’d like another one eventually and the timing was OK. Our money was running out and we would have to go home soon anyway.

So we waited until 12 weeks and told our families. Even though I’m 32 I still felt like a little tramp telling my Dad I was pregnant. Eww. But awkward conversations aside everyone was happy and gushing about as they seem to do when a baby is expected.

So yeah, I’m feeling fine. Heavy and uncomfortable but fine. There are many questions – if you’ve ever been pregnant you might know how these go. There is one that occurs frequently, and I’m at an odds to answer honestly.

‘Are you excited?’

Seriously, no. I am not one bit excited. Now I know I sound like an ungrateful toad who got pregnant with the click of a finger but it’s the truth. Excited no, apprehensive yes.

People look at me funny when I say that. But why can’t we talk honestly about one of the most terrifying occurrences in a woman’s life. Why do we always have to be pretend to be so effing grateful when we are truly, honestly shit-scared?

And there is so much to be scared of. Not just surviving pregnancy – which is awful by the way, no miracle glow here. I just feel fat, slightly breathless and pissed off at having to buy new bras with 48 hooks in the back to keep my aching boobs from sagging.

But primarily it’s the labour and birth which petrifies me. I had a horror first birth and have no wish to relive any part of it. After 14 hours of active labour I would have happily accepted death rather than have to endure one more contraction. The look of relief on my husband’s face when my son was born will never leave me. He truly thought he would lose one or both of us.
As a public healthcare patient I cannot request an elective c-section so it’s likely I’ll have to endure hours of torturous labour – although this time I wont be so magnanimous as to say no to the epidural. No way.

Because this time I have so much to lose, a little boy who needs his mummy. And the thought of not coming home to him is the most terrifying thing of all.

To compound matters I’ve developed a serious addiction to binge-watching Call the Midwife on Netflix. Every night when my son goes to bed I get comfy on the couch to witness a woman enduring pure torture. Assisted by a lovely looking midwife with perfect make-up. Sometimes things go wrong.

When I have survived birth without any major complications and have a healthy baby in my arms, maybe then I’ll feel a little bit excited. Because babies are awesome, and I know my son will be a caring and nurturing big brother.

But mainly I’ll be excited that I never ever have to be pregnant again – and that in itself is cause for celebration.

16 thoughts on “And Then There Were Four”

  1. Gotta be honest! I’m pregnant with our first and while I am excited, I’m also petrified. Not that we’ll be terrible but that there won’t be enough – not enough money and not enough time etc. etc. I just keep holding out hope that it’ll work itself out. We are responsible and hard workers. There’s only so much we can control, right? Good luck with your remaining weeks! Oh, and I kept watching Call the Mudwife when we were trying to get pregnant and it was making me miserable. Funny the things we do to ourselves!

    • Oh Carmel, I can relate. There will never be enough money, or time. But you will make do and it will be wonderful. Babies don’t need much at all, except for parents that love them, somewhere to sleep and milk (where-ever it comes from). And nappies – so many nappies.
      I can’t wait to read more about your pregnancy – there are so many bloggers expecting right now!

  2. Thank you for being real and honest Emma!

    It’s not fair that people aren’t. I hated being pregnant, but I love being a mother. Nothing comfortable about it. And I’ve ben wearing the wrong size bras for 6 years now I think!

    Second birth is typically faster and easier- your body knows what to do do now.

    Sending you love, humor and loads of chocolate sweet mama!


    • Thanks Tiffiney. I really hope my body knows what to do – or at least remembers how fucking awful it was the first time and does what it can to avoid a repeat performance!

  3. Congratulations – I think. LOL

    The whole idea of pregnancy and labour totally freaks me out. I count myself lucky that I don’t have any maternal urges and from the day I met my hubby he has not wanted children. Phew.

    I have heard that things are easier second time around, so very best of luck! 🙂

  4. Yay! So thrilled for you guys. I love it when moms can dole out the real talk about having kids because frankly, it’s a club to which I don’t have a membership and normal media certainly can’t always be telling the truth! BTW, I love Call the Midwife. It actually makes me feel so much better about things like labor and birth – the whole, your-body-knows thing I guess. Anyway, congrats!!

    • Thanks Julie, I think for most people labour is quite uneventful and smooth. But when it goes wrong – 800 women die each day in the developing world from childbirth related incidents – it’s truly a case of being privileged enough to have access to top-notch healthcare which is the difference between life and death.

  5. Congratulations Emma and good on you. I hated being pregnant, even though it was something I wanted more than anything and had waited a long time for. Just because you are grateful and pleased about something doesn’t mean you can’t dislike it at the same time!
    I don’t know why people aren’t more honest about all this suff. For me the birth part was actually a breeze (got luck there), but the first 6 weeks with my little one I did not enjoy. It’s not like I didn’t fall in love with him straight away – I did – I just found the all consuming role of being his mum totally overwhelming. Now when friends have a baby, especially their first, I try and find a causal way to share theses thoughts and let them know its okay if you are not cherishing every moment!

  6. This sounds so logical. Kids are still a way off for us but pretty much everything about the idea terrifies me. I think my partner will be an amazing dad however and if it wasn’t for him…

  7. And that’s why I never had kids – oh and plus I don’t like being sleep deprived. I really do think that the NZ system for child birth is seriously broken. Why couldn’t you get an epidural?

    • I had my first child in Australia. I’m hopeful NZ will be better, especially with the lead maternity carer system. As for the epidural, when they asked if I wanted one the pain wasn’t unbearable so I said no. By the time I was begging for one I was too far gone to have one. I’ll know better next time.

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